In Her Shoes

Marilyn's Custom-Made Ferragamo shoes.

When I was working in L.A. in publicity, I lived on a compound in Pasadena that was originally built by a set designer back in the '30's.  My landlords--who were lovely people--were also Hollywood vets from the 50's-60's era who had worked with the major studios, including Desilu and Fox.  Between their own personal collections of memorabilia and things they had found in this amazing property they owned, they had a mind-blowing treasure trove of Hollywood History.

Anyway, one night we were sitting out on the veranda having a glass of wine (this was when I was still drinking), and landlady said, "I have something to show you." and she forthwith went into the house, returning a few minutes later with a small bag wrapped in plastic.

She knew of my interest in old Hollywood, and smiled at me knowingly as she placed this bundle in front of me on the table, indicating that I should unwrap it.  I opened it carefully, knowing it was likely a rare set or costume piece. Inside were a pair of size nine, red sequined heels - about 3 inches.

"Try them on," she urged, and I didn't argue. I popped my own shoes off and began strapping on the heels. A chorus girl's? A Follies dancer?

I stood up and tottered carefully around our cobbled patio, surprised to find that the shoes fit me perfectly. My landlady smiled. "Those were Marilyn's," She said.

I stood, struck dumb, staring at her insensibly. "What?" I managed to stutter.

She nodded. "Yep. Those were her shoes from 'Some Like it Hot'."

I suddenly didn't dare move. I was wearing Hollywood gold on my feet and they were the same size as MARILYN MONROE'S?!?

"Take a look at the soles," my landlady suggested. So I walked--carefully--back to my seat and lifted my foot up to see the bottom.The soles had been scored several times with a razor blade--a trick dancers used back in the day to give them traction on slick floors.

My landlady was beaming at the utterly awestruck, gobsmacked look on my face. "I thought you would enjoy seeing them."

See them? I was literally standing in Marilyn's shoes. That's something not a lot of people will ever be able to say.

It was one of the most amazing moments in my L.A. career. I'll never forget it.

Irish

Some Like It Hot. She was pretty cool.

And We All Shine On

Hello, my lovelies, and Congratulations! You've made it to Friday again. I'm so proud that I could just about burst with the verklempt of it...but that would be messy and there's no one else around to clean it up.  


In lieu of my usual rant against wanton stupidity, I'm gonna let someone else do it today.  Yeah, I know...me passing up an opportunity to vent my spleen? A banner day indeed.  Mark your calendars, because that only happens once every blue moon.  


I did not ferret this gem out on my own; I owe the following masterpiece to Julian Lennon, who found it ... well, somewhere.  We don't ask too many questions of him for fear of finding out the answers, n'est ce pas?  It is yet one more example of our respective governments' abilities to confound, exasperate, and humiliate us while we are left insensate with rage, steaming and fantasizing about creative manners of torture and retribution.  Americans aren't the only ones who would like to upend a bucket of fish guts on our leaders.  Bureaucracy reigns supreme right across the pond as well.  


Enjoy, and have a spectacular weekend if I don't see you before Monday.  


**
From Julian Lennon: 

This was actually taken from a UK  passport application and a member of staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day.

Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run Premium Bonds they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim before I die. Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my NHS insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture... Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally pissed off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances, which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor...who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

Sliante,
Irish 

Because It's There

Along with Stephen Fry, Brian Blessed is one of the best things Britain ever invented. In May of 2008 he guest-hosted an episode of the satirical program "Have I Got News For You", and in the inevitable Blessed MO, completely upended the format, defenestrated the script, and left the rest of the panel disintegrating in either helpless laughter or hapless confusion.

Poor Paul Merton had no idea what hit him, and conservative MP Alan Duncan was left gasping for breath after hearing what has to be one of the most inglorious stories of an Everest climb. Whenever you need a giggle, stop on over here and press "Play".



(From the BBC's "Have I Got News For You")

Wait for it...Waiiiit for it....

I have friends who are reporters and anchors with various affiliates.  It's often funny when things screw up, but it can be absolutely hysterical when they literally implode.  WGN never disappoints.



(From WGN News)

Lost Without LOST

I loved LOST.  I miss LOST.  But it's nice to know that I'm not the only geek out there who revels in the geekdom.  We don't wanna let go.  Which is good, you see, because the stuff geeks come up with is way better than most of the crap that's on television these days. I miss Hurley and Sawyer. I miss Michael Giacchino's epic music. I even miss the Smoke Monster.

This is hilarious.




(From Newsweek and ABC Television's LOST; Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, producers)

It's Got Juice

My Mom sent this to me. Only in New York, folks. 



(Update: Since the original post, I've learned that this is a group of actors/performers who routinely invade public places and joyfully flummox their fellow citizens with displays of song, dance, and general buffoonery on a level not seen since television's Fame.  Love it!)

Maybe I Should Emigrate to New Zealand

It just hurts less to laugh than to cry. Read on, and brace yourselves. I did not research or compile the following examples of The Next Generation's utter and complete hopelessness, but I wish I had.  If and when I find the person responsible for raising the alarm, I will most readily give credit. 

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination.  These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar


Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists


Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire


Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight


Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed


Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election


Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)


Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental


Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)


Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death


Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow


Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)


Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..


Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie


Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby


Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)


Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome


Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)


Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)


Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas


Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)


Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you be after you be eight (brilliant)


Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

Friday Frivolity

I was originally going to write a spleen-venting post about the do-si-do Congress is playing with HR 4312, but you know, I'm just too tired to get that pissed off.  Besides, I'd rather start the weekend with a smile than a growl.  So, for your viewing pleasure, may I introduce Maru.  He's a happy cat living in Japan, and his owner somehow captures the most darling video of him.  Whenever I need a smile or a good belly laugh, he always comes through.  Enjoy.




(Credit for the preceding video belongs to the Amazing Maru and his Person.)

All the News That's Fit to Print

Jorge Garcia had a rather scandalous picture on his blog yesterday...so I joked that if the tabloids got hold of it, he was in trouble with Nunu.  Me being who I am, I figured I'd get the jump on them.  After all, I am a writer.  And I was a publicist.  And I'm Irish with a seasoning of Spanish, which means I have a warped sense of humor.  But thank God I never had to stoop to actually working for a real tabloid. 

(Canine and Garcia photos belong to Jorge Garcia, except for drunk Chihuahua, which is from an unknown source. Cowboy photo is also  from Unknown Source, but your friendly Irish Girl will be pleased to offer credit to the authentic owners of  these images, if they really want them.)

Something to Smile About

I just love this video.  Dunno why.  It just makes me smile.



(All credit and deference to DreamWorks, Puss, and Antonio Banderas.  Some credit to Nancy Sinatra.)