I was pleased to write a column for TVSource Magazine about the 50th Anniversary Episode of General Hospital. You can read it by clicking the link below. Happy reading!

 Every Man's Waiting: General Hospital's 50th Anniversary

Live Free or Die...Or, you know...whatever.

Dear Senator Shaheen:

I've been out of NH for a few years, but I sincerely doubt that since I was there, the state has turned into a mass of heaving indecision and paralyzing doubt.

When you go on Hardball, you better be ready to answer questions with substance and content, not try to symbolically grab Chris Matthews' hand and sing Kumbaya.  You repeated yourself on every question with some crap about "standards" and 'working together' -- admirable aspirations, to be sure, but not an answer to any of his questions, and evidently the only answer you knew how to give.

You may not have noticed (play back the tape), but by the time you gave that answer to him for the third time, he was fed up with you. Who could blame him? You displayed absolutely no courage, no conviction, and no opinion. Which, by the way, you presumably have, and presumably is why you were elected. If this is not the case, then why the hell does NH need you?

Grow up. You represented New Hampshire horribly and looked like an empty-headed buffoon. If you can't show up ready to offer useful discourse, then shut the f*ck up and stay in your office until election day.

Sincerely,

A disgusted former constituent

Jeanne Shaheen's Official Website

Everyone Can Have an "A" Bomb

Washington Post: President Obama's Gun Control Proposals (Click Here)

I find nothing in here that says, "Take them thar guns away!" In fact, I don't see one unreasonable item on this list at all. There are stricter criteria for buying Sudafed, for crying out loud.

My father killed himself with a gun. And while yes, had he not had access to a gun, he probably could have employed another method with which to end himself. However, it is equally possible that had there been a criteria for gun ownership based on psychological profile, my father's guns might have been removed from the home for his own safety, and maybe--MAYBE--he might have had enough time for someone to get to him and talk to him, or for something to change. Maybe. Maybe not. My point is, the outcomes could very well have been different. And my father had no business being around a gun at that point in his life.

I come from a hunting family; there were guns around all the time. I LIKE guns; I enjoy shooting them and I am a firm supporter of the Second Amendment. But that doesn't mean I support any Tom, Dick, and Harry owning an AR/AK, Howitzer, tank, or F-16. I certainly don't think that everyone should own a gun; some people are just not responsible or reliable enough to guarantee the general safety and well-being of the rest of the planet.

That's what this is about. It's not about disarming you, you idiots. It's about making sure that those of us who want to own a gun are fit to do so, and that we have a tracking system that records gun owners. Why not? We do it with drivers.

New blog entries and discussions coming soon, y'all! I'm so sorry for the radio silence of nine months, but real life kinda got in the way.  I'll try to beat it back more often...:)

Unsinkable

Part of the revolutionary design of Titanic was her sixteen watertight compartments, which were aligned front to back along the ship's length. Any two of the compartments could withstand flooding or four of the first five forward (bow) compartments could flood, and the ship would stay afloat. But, as you probably remember Thomas Andrews saying in the film -- not five, which is, unbelievably, exactly what happened; the iceberg opened the first FIVE compartments to the sea.

Another problem was that the bulkheads between compartments 5 and 6 only extended as high as E deck -- in other words, there was enough space at the top for water to spill over. As the bow was pulled down by the weight of incoming water, it flowed over into each successive watertight compartment -- like water in an ice cube tray.

Shipbuilders heading home from the Harland & Wolff yards at the end of a long day. You can see Titanic in the background.

Titanic's outfitting berth at Thompson's dry dock. Queen's Island, Belfast, Ireland.

The Last Day

9:00 am April 14, 1912 - The RMS Caronia reports ice at Latitude: 42° N and Longitude: 50° W.

Whitney

Mother, Daughter, Sister, Actress, Singer
August 9, 1963 - February 11, 2012

Dragonlady

Anne McCaffrey died yesterday at her home in Ireland.  She was a wonderful, wonderful person and a spellbinding storyteller. I read The White Dragon for the first time when I was ten years old, and have been an avid fan of Anne and Pern ever since.  I used to stop in at her online chatroom, The Kitchen Table, years ago to visit and talk with fellow fans and writers, and often Anne herself would pop by.  She was funny and earthy, engaging, and had a robust sense of humor.  It really did feel as if we were all sitting gathered round a kitchen table in the Irish countryside, fire crackling nearby and teakettle whistling, while we talked the hours away. 

I will miss her.  But I have my beloved Dragonriders of Pern collection so I can visit whenever I find myself missing her most.

Sliante, Anne. Beannaithe.

Cover Art: All The Weyrs of Pern, by Anne McCaffrey

In Her Shoes

Marilyn's Custom-Made Ferragamo shoes.

When I was working in L.A. in publicity, I lived on a compound in Pasadena that was originally built by a set designer back in the '30's.  My landlords--who were lovely people--were also Hollywood vets from the 50's-60's era who had worked with the major studios, including Desilu and Fox.  Between their own personal collections of memorabilia and things they had found in this amazing property they owned, they had a mind-blowing treasure trove of Hollywood History.

Anyway, one night we were sitting out on the veranda having a glass of wine (this was when I was still drinking), and landlady said, "I have something to show you." and she forthwith went into the house, returning a few minutes later with a small bag wrapped in plastic.

She knew of my interest in old Hollywood, and smiled at me knowingly as she placed this bundle in front of me on the table, indicating that I should unwrap it.  I opened it carefully, knowing it was likely a rare set or costume piece. Inside were a pair of size nine, red sequined heels - about 3 inches.

"Try them on," she urged, and I didn't argue. I popped my own shoes off and began strapping on the heels. A chorus girl's? A Follies dancer?

I stood up and tottered carefully around our cobbled patio, surprised to find that the shoes fit me perfectly. My landlady smiled. "Those were Marilyn's," She said.

I stood, struck dumb, staring at her insensibly. "What?" I managed to stutter.

She nodded. "Yep. Those were her shoes from 'Some Like it Hot'."

I suddenly didn't dare move. I was wearing Hollywood gold on my feet and they were the same size as MARILYN MONROE'S?!?

"Take a look at the soles," my landlady suggested. So I walked--carefully--back to my seat and lifted my foot up to see the bottom.The soles had been scored several times with a razor blade--a trick dancers used back in the day to give them traction on slick floors.

My landlady was beaming at the utterly awestruck, gobsmacked look on my face. "I thought you would enjoy seeing them."

See them? I was literally standing in Marilyn's shoes. That's something not a lot of people will ever be able to say.

It was one of the most amazing moments in my L.A. career. I'll never forget it.

Irish

Some Like It Hot. She was pretty cool.

Beannaithe Bealtaine! Go n-éirí libh!

Hi, everyone!  Happy May Day!

I thought it would be interesting to tell you about Bealtaine, the traditional Irish celebration of the start of summer.  A pagan tradition, it has deep roots in Ireland, Scotland, Wales, and the Isle of Man.  Like Samhain, it has been misinterpreted as witchcraft or of Satanic origin, which of course is complete nonsense, and only goes to show that people make up stuff about the things they cannot understand or about which they haven’t bothered to ask.

In Irish Gaelic, the month of May is known as Mí Bhealtaine or Bealtain. The dawn festival is known as Lá Bealtaine (‘May Day'). In Scottish Gaelic, May  is (An) Cèitean or a' Mhàigh, and the festival is known as Latha Bealltainn or simply Bealltainn. Beltane was formerly spelled 'Bealtuinn' in Scottish Gaelic; in Manx it is spelt 'Boaltinn' or 'Boaldyn'. In Modern Irish/Gaelic, Oidhche Bealtaine or Oíche Bealtaine is May Eve, and Lá Bealtaine is May Day. Mí na Bealtaine, or simply Bealtaine,  is the name of the month of May.

Whew! I’ll wait a moment for those of you who tried pronouncing those to unsnarl your tongues.

 Bealtaine Fire Festival on Calton Hill, Edinburgh.

In Neopaganism, Bealtaine is considered a “cross-quarter” day, which marks the midpoint of the sun’s journey between spring equinox and the summer solstice.  The astronomical date for this midpoint is around May 5-7, but it varies from year to year.  It’s a time when planting begins amid great celebration and a sense of hope for a good crop that will feed the village for the coming winter in the latter half of the year. Beltane was also the beginning of the pastoral summer season, when herds of livestock were driven out to summer pastures and mountain grazing lands.

In Irish mythology, the beginning of summer for the Tuatha De Danann  and the Milesians began at Bealtaine.  Huge bonfires marked a time of purification and transition and augured in the second half of the year in the hope of good harvest later.  This was accompanied by ritual ceremonies that protected people from harm by the spirits, such as the Aos Si. The festival of Samhain, opposite Bealtainne on October 31—Halloween—was also a time when spirits were seen as particularly close at hand to the living world.

 This is not a spirit. It is a reasonable facsimile.

As for Wiccans, they and Wiccan-inspired Neopagans celebrate a variation of Beltane as a Sabbat, one of the eight solar holidays. Although the holiday may use features of the Gaelic Bealtaine, such as the bonfire, it has more ties to the Germanic May Day festival, both in its significance (focusing on fertility) and its rituals (such as maypole dancing). Some Wiccans celebrate "High Beltaine" by enacting a ritual union of the May Lord and May Lady.

Bow-Chicka-Bow-Bow...

Now, I’ve said before that we Irish and of Irish extraction need little excuse for a party, but when we actually have an excuse, we go all-out.  Today, all over Ireland, Scotland, the Isle of Man and parts of Wales, there will be massive fires, dancing, scantily clad men and women, and much body paint.  There will also be singing, dancing, eating and drinking as the children of the Celts honor their ancestors with a shout of joy for the inauguration of a new season.

The long winter is over.  Summer is begun. Slainte.  

On the Sea

Today is the 99th anniversary of the Titanic sinking. Rather than bore you by writing an essay on that tragic event, I instead offer you the essay I wrote one year ago, which I think is one of my better pieces. 

Please take a moment and remember the 1500 souls who never made it back to warmth, family, comfort, and home.

The World that Woke

GI: Monsterball

Hello, hello, helloooo, and welcome to Fantasy Island!

Not really, but you know what I mean.  Today, our favorite genius idiots are battling demons, burning satanic doctrine, and subverting conversion to the Lord.  These illuminati  have taken up arms and entered into battle with the soul-killing wretches that are independent thought, contemplative philosophy, and mass-marketed chocolate.  Remember this next time you take the little ones out trick-or-treating. 

Andiamos!

**
“During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

“I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.”

Banish the demons Nestle, Hershey, Kraft, and Mars! And why haven’t we seen a Tree House of Horrors episode about this yet?

 Who, Me?

**
“In an unrelated note. I always carry a few nuts and bolts at amusement parks. after we get locked in the ride and start to move, I hold up a few of them and say to the person next to me look what just fell out of this thing. It is a great witnessing tool. Everytime I did that the person next to me started praying.”

So you lied and committed an act of terror?  That’s the best witnessing tool you could come up with?

**
“Come to our Halloween book burning. We are burning Satan's bibles like the NIV, RSV, NKJV, TLB, NASB, NEV, NRSV, ASV, NWT, Good News for Modern Man, The Evidence Bible, The Message Bible, The Green Bible, ect. These are perversions of God's Word the King James Bible.

“We will also be burning Satan's music such as country , rap , rock , pop, heavy metal, western, soft and easy, southern gospel , contempory Christian , jazz, soul, oldies but goldies, etc.

“We will also be burning Satan's popular books written by heretics like Westcott & Hort , Bruce Metzger, Billy Graham , Rick Warren , Bill Hybels , John McArthur, James Dobson, Charles Swindoll , John Piper, Chuck Colson, Tony Evans, Oral Roberts, Jimmy Swagart, Mark Driskol, Franklin Graham , Bill Bright, Tim Lahaye, Paula White, T.D. Jakes, Benny Hinn , Joyce Myers, Brian McLaren, Robert Schuller, Mother Teresa , The Pope , Rob Bell, Erwin McManus, Donald Miller, Shane Claiborne, Brennan Manning, William Young, etc.

“We are not burning Bibles written in other languages that are based on the TR. We are not burning the Wycliffe, Tyndale, Geneva or other translations that are based on the TR.

“We will be serving Bar-b-Que Chicken, fried chicken, and all the sides.”

Well, they’ve burned everything.  What else is there to do but eat?  I’ll have a fried chicken plate with a side of The Judds and some CCR.

--Irish

GI: Persians and Proctologists

Hello, my Wednesday Warriors. I hope the fight goes well for you. Me? Aw, well, you know me. Toss a bag of truffles in my direction and I really don't give a damn about much of anything else.  Add a few jars of Nutella, and I'm downright nihilistic. 

After a short hiatus (during which your humble researcher was scrambling to finish some rather overdue work at the Day Job), we resume our regularly scheduled programming with some lovely examples of infuriating human intransigence,  stunning incomprehension of "tolerance", and an even further baffling understanding of just exactly what "gay" is and what "gay" does.  In short, if people like this didn't have illustrated instructions as to how to put tab "A" into slot "B", we might have spared ourselves the headache of folks like Westboro Baptist Church. 

Strap on the oxygen masks. This is really gonna stink. 

**
(spelling and grammar unedited - Irish)


“Because of years and years of looking at and touching scores of women inappropriately, the male gynecologist no doubt has a seared conscience and a perverted mind (I will not go into detail of what goes on in the doctor’s office for decency’s sake, but any woman who has been there knows what I am referring to). His view of women and the marital bed has certainly been warped by his indecent involvement with countless women.

“May God help preachers in this generation to make the Bible their authority, not tradition, and call this ungodly practice what it really is – sin. Any doctor that looks upon and touches a woman’s private parts in his office ‘hath committed adultery with her already in his heart’. Sir, if you let your wife go to a male gynecologist, you need to get right with God.”

Okayyyy…so, if you go to a male proctologist, does that mean you’re both gay?

 How YOU doin'?

**
(Uno Mas, spelling and grammar are woefully unedited -- Irish)


“All, I have a terrible problem. I just started a new church and now I'm confronted with a big problem. One of the small group leaders is a woman I know from my neighborhood. She has been a member of this church for a long time and heads up a couple ministries. She is apparently one of those that works hard all the time for the church and is well thought of. Unfortunantly I know that she is gay. She has a lover that stays over at her house often, and I've personally seen unacceptable and disgusting behavior. It's pretty common knowledge in the neighborhood that these two women are lovers. How it is that her church doesn't know I can't imagine. She must be very discreet. Anyway, what in the world should I do? I don't want to gossep and I certainly don't want to be responsible for decention in the church. Do I tell the pastor? Tell her that I know? Send and anonamous message to the pastor? Somehow I don't think I'd be very popular for disclosing this, it's a hard place for a new member. Should I just quietly find a new church? I really liked this place, the message was wonderful and the people so loving. What should I do?”

What do you mean, you’ve “personally seen” their “unacceptable” and “disgusting” behavior?  You’ve been watching?  You perv.

I'm curious; how, exactly, is this your "problem"?  And as for a solution, how about this: Mind your own damn business.

**
 (see above -- Irish)


“We have to be tolerant and inclusive. In the future all heterosexuals will have to submit to a night of gay sex to prove their loyalties to the ideals of tolerance and inclusiveness. The Democratic party will demand it. Joe Biden will demand it. Obama’s safe sex czar will demand it. If you don’t submit you will be fined and forced to buy an ornament of gay Jesus for the Christmas tree.”

What?  No, really…what?

**
“I thought that Lincoln and Kennedy were the only ones to be assassinated. That's what I was taught in school anyway.

“Another reason to homeschool ones children...”

Yes, because otherwise they might find out about McKinley and Garfield and make you look really  dumb.

President Garfield. Assassinated. Dead.

 

 President McKinley. Assassinated. Also dead.

**
“As I said, the Persians never even had a world empire; so why should anyone take their plastic god (Zoroaster) seriously?”

Okay. Geez.  Just an epic fail in World History.  THE PERSIAN EMPIRE?!? Hello?  It dominated what is now Iran and spanned over three continents from the border of China to Egypt and Greece. Even Rome wasn’t that big! Didn’t you see 300?

Also, Zoroaster wasn’t a god. He was a prophet and philosopher.

 500 B.C. E.

The ruins of Persopolis, capitol of Persia, in modern-day Iran.

--Irish Girl

Elizabeth

"And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest..."

--Hamlet, Act V

Elizabeth Taylor

Author, Actress, Activist, AmFAR Founder, Mother, Grandmother

February 27, 1932 - March 23, 2011

GI: Monkeybidness

Hello, my peeps. Today you get a special treat: A rare Sunday edition of Genius Idiocy. Many of you are no doubt observing that the only reason there's a Sunday edition is because your humble researcher abstained from posting one on Friday. While true, this is irrelevant. It's still rare to get a GI post on the weekend, so just nod, smile pretty, and pat the gift horse gently on the hind flank. 

I have culled, for your reading pleasure, some truly idiotic tidbits from my vast archives of human vapidity.  From what I can tell, these people never read, crack open a history book--much less a Bible--have taken the time during homilies and sermons to catch a few z's, and generally belong in the vaunted annals of the Darwin Awards.  The fact that they're still alive speaks to the truth that there is, indeed, evidence of miracles.

**
(emphasis mine -- Irish)


“...What about a law that says it’s a federal crime to attack somebody because of his religious beliefs? Not a chance!”

"The 1969 Federal Hate Crimes Law 18 U.S.C. § 245(b)(2), permits federal prosecution of anyone who 'willingly injures, intimidates or interferes with another person, or attempts to do so, by force because of the other person's race, color, religion or national origin’.” 

Look it up on Wikipedia.  And while I’m at it, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to attack anybody for any reason other than self-defense.

 It's self-defense! They're taking my bananas! 

 

**
(spelling and punctuation untouched -- Irish)

“You know what's so funny about Atheism? If the Christians are right (which we are) then all the atheists get a one-way ticket to hell, but if by some impossibility the atheists are right absolutely nothing happens to the christians or any other religion because that would mean there would be no higher being to punish us! So its a win-win for religion while atheists are playing a fifty-fifty. Good luck burning for eternity."

Okay, for one thing:  Pascal’s Wager? Complete crap.  Two:  What if you’re both wrong and some other religion is right? 

**
(Again, spelling and punctuation unspoiled, much to my chagrin - Irish)


“i think it's wrong for scientists to? define everything because they define humans as apes, and i don't want to be an ape because they are ugly and dumb.


“scientists can have their definitions, and we normal people can have our own.”

I don’t know about “ugly”, but you’re far too late on the second qualifier.  Incidentally, we humans share at least 98% of our DNA with chimpanzees.  They probably think we’re pretty screwed up, too.

 Did you SEE her hair? I wouldn't wanna be a human; they're ugly and dumb.

**
“Can I help it if I have kept all the virtues I got from Christianity that make me so superior to the rest of you?”

Ooh. So close, but fails with a drop in the home stretch for “pride”.

**
“We agree upon truth, no disagreements allowed.”

Well. I think that one pretty much speaks for itself. 


**
“Sort of strange how people say the Bible was fake, when the authors lived such a long time ago, fictional stories probably haven't been invented yet.”

The Parables of Jesus? Anyone? 


**


Irish

Sliante o Dha Dhuit

In Ireland, this is a day of religious observance and a celebration of St. Patrick's life as a Christian evangelist, preaching the gospel to the pagan tribes of Ireland.  Irish folklore tells us that he used the Shamrock as a tool to teach the Christian idea of the holy Trinity to the Celts.

He worked tirelessly for thirty years spreadng the Word throughout the Emerald Isle and died on March 17, 461. 

Originally the color for St. Patrick's Day was blue! It was only in the 1798 rebellion, when soldiers wore green in order to capture public attention in a political maneuver, that the phrase "wearing of the green" came about. Now, in the true American fashion of going all the way and then some, we dye entire rivers with it.

The feast day for St. Patrick was already celebrated by the Irish by the ninth and tenth centuries, and over the years, he sort of became the patron saint for all things Irish. The feast day, part of the Lenten tradition, was placed on the Catholic Liturgical calendar sometime in the 1600s, making it a holy day of obligation (ed.note: that was supposed to read "observation". Funny how my mind goes.) in Ireland.  Well, for Roman Catholics, anyway.  It became an official public holiday in 1903.

The Irish government petitioned to make the day a showcase for Ireland in the mid 1990's, campaigning far and wide to showcase their heritage in a festival, the first of which was held in 1996. I'm all for a good party--hell, I'm Irish--but what else do you need to showcase Ireland but Ireland?

This Is Ireland!

So, as you joyfully partake in the festivities, wear your green, and sate your thirst with a pint of emerald beer, remember dear old St. Patrick and his contributions.  Remember the Irish, and remember the unfettered brightness and joy of their spirit, despite the many hardships and struggles they have endured over the centuries. You can't keep an Irishman or Irishwoman down for long, and isn't that a great thing? Because otherwise, this world would be sadly lacking in color, music, and smiles.  

Erin Go Bragh!

Irish Girl

GI: Bonbons and Bollocks

Hello and Konnichi Wa, sweethearts.  Today's GI, while late, is a delightful collection of deliciously tasty nuggets.  As you savor each bonbon, reflect and ruminate over the windmills of minds that came up with them...

“I never said atheists are the most violent people in the world. I said, atheists will cut your throat for believing in Jesus.”

Not that that’s violent or anything…actually, most atheists wouldn’t give a shit.

**
Then again...

(emphasis mine – Irish)

“I hope the government gets rid of you a*sholes. I seriously f*cking do. christians of all types need to die. Many people don't know this but religion is what started the government so people who formed a civilization (civilization you could say is like the government but benign and without forced taxes). People who support the state and democracy are no better than people who are religious (assholes)”

Yes, atheists are idiots, too. P.S. Does your mother know you’re up this late?  Also, look up the Constitution, Article I.  I’m tired of quoting it here.

**
“A true Christian would NEVER allow his son to be subjected to a primitive blood ritual like circumcision because it's clearly un-Christian.

“But a Judeo-Christian probably would allow it because Judeo-Christians are more Jewish than they are Christian.”

There are some very good arguments against circumcision. This one would fall in the “facepalm” category.

**
[After a Christian asked people to pray for his father]

“No.

“Because if your prayer is granted, who will you attribute it to? Where will you go to thank him? Probably not Jehovah or to a Kingdom hall.”

Because praying for someone out of true charity and generosity would be – well –wrong…

**
[On Jack Black's "prayer" to Satan at the VMA's]

“Oh my - it didn't even appear he was trying to be funny. That made me almost physically ill. Music was created by God and should be used for God's glory. How much more sick and twisted is this world going to get when things like this are no longer reserved for Satanists meetings. That was horrible.

"I pray that we "go home" - and soon. I've had enough of this world.”

You must be a hoot at parties.

 Irish

And We All Shine On

Hello, my lovelies, and Congratulations! You've made it to Friday again. I'm so proud that I could just about burst with the verklempt of it...but that would be messy and there's no one else around to clean it up.  


In lieu of my usual rant against wanton stupidity, I'm gonna let someone else do it today.  Yeah, I know...me passing up an opportunity to vent my spleen? A banner day indeed.  Mark your calendars, because that only happens once every blue moon.  


I did not ferret this gem out on my own; I owe the following masterpiece to Julian Lennon, who found it ... well, somewhere.  We don't ask too many questions of him for fear of finding out the answers, n'est ce pas?  It is yet one more example of our respective governments' abilities to confound, exasperate, and humiliate us while we are left insensate with rage, steaming and fantasizing about creative manners of torture and retribution.  Americans aren't the only ones who would like to upend a bucket of fish guts on our leaders.  Bureaucracy reigns supreme right across the pond as well.  


Enjoy, and have a spectacular weekend if I don't see you before Monday.  


**
From Julian Lennon: 

This was actually taken from a UK  passport application and a member of staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day.

Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run Premium Bonds they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim before I die. Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my NHS insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture... Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally pissed off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances, which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor...who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

Sliante,
Irish 

GI: The Rainbow Connection

I sometimes wonder if it could possibly be the same two or three people who come up with these effluvial gems, but then realize it's not possible.  So few people of this ilk wouldn't survive very long; it has to be a mass population that supports and encourages each other.  Sort of like an ant colony does. 

Isaac Newton, Ben Franklin, and Galileo are, somewhere, clutching their midsections in paroxysms of nausea.  Cotton Mather may be firing up the barbecue in anticipation of having company.

Bansai...!

**
What ‘establishment clause’? There is no such clause in our Constitution! It does not exist. That statement just shows the ignorance of ‘some’ of the American people."

Once again.  "Congress shall make no law regarding the establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."

Might wanna give that mirror of yours a spit and polish, chickapee.

**
(Spelling and punctuation original. Emphasis mine – Irish)

“Some things can not be explained by science. Take for example, rainbows. Rainbows are a mystery and you can not touch them, just like god. Despite this fact, they are still there even though there is no scientific explanation for them. So next time you find yourself doubting your faith, think of god as a rainbow. I know that this can be a difficult concept for some of you to grasp. It is just like air you can't see it but you know its there”

Rainbows are an optical illusion, caused by light diffraction through water droplets creating the prism effect…Oh. Erm, the prism effect is the bending of light – aw, fuck it. Never mind.

Irish 

GI: Happy Horseshit

Hello, my darlings, and thank you for stopping by.  I took a week off to attend to some life priorities, but am back with my trove of GI gems full to the brim with farcical foolishness. 

Take a deep breath, gird your midsections, and brace for impact.  A la vie!


**
"I can tell I am growing closer to Christ because this world just makes me sick. I really can't tolerate it anymore.

“A thought did cross my mind today though. Since God is Holy and cannot fellowship with us when we sin and Jesus is God, how did he hang out with sinners?"


First off, that queasy, sick feeling you have?  I doubt it’s holy divinity—or if it is, I have to wonder just how much of a paradise Heaven really is.  You probably just have indigestion from swallowing so much horseshit whole.

As to your second question:  I believe Jesus was asked that very question by his disciples and the Pharisees at varying times.  He pointed out that “preaching to the choir” was kind of redundant.  It was the so-called “sinners” who needed ministry, and therefore with whom his time was well spent. 

Plus, sinners have the best parties.   

**
“First of all, I'm not very convinced that Leonardo Da Vinci was a very intelligent person. He invented a couple of things and made a few paintings. So what??? I'm not very impressed with anything he has done. Not to mention he was a liar. Jesus never married, or had children. So, I think Leonardo Da Retardo's code is just a bunch of lies coming from a mouth of a human with low intellect.”

It would be a reaaallly good idea for you to at least read the front cover of the book, because it plainly says, in big gold letters, “By Dan Brown”.  It is a work of fiction, not history, although it does incorporate historic elements with known facts, sprinkled with conjecture to make a pretty decent yarn.  The fact that it was a ginormous bestseller makes me wonder how on earth you could get the writer’s name wrong. 

Having said that, Leonardo DaVinci was a painter, sculptor, inventor, writer, engineer, mathematician, botanist, architect, musician, and prankster.  Many of his paintings, interestingly, were religiously iconographic--Virgin of the Rocks, The Last Supper, St. John the Baptist, Annunciation, The Baptism of Christ--and The Last Supper, which incidentally loomed large as a key clue in The DaVinci Code.  Interestingly, he rather mucked that one up, painting it on a dry surface rather than as a fresco, resulting in its almost instantaneous deterioration. 

He also made several portraits, the most famous of which is inarguably La Giocanda/The Mona Lisa.  His sketch, The Vitruvian Man, is regarded as a cultural icon, recognizable instantly almost everywhere in the world.  His was a formidable intellect, and he had an insatiable curiosity that exemplified the Renaissance era. 

Finally, with regard to the idea of DaVinci leaving codes in his works, or of Jesus being married, who knows?  That’s not the point here. The point here is:  When you start bashing people about and calling them names, make sure you’ve got the right names attached to the right people and the right issue.  Otherwise you just look stupid.

AD