Thursday, June 24, 2010

Maybe I Should Emigrate to New Zealand

It just hurts less to laugh than to cry. Read on, and brace yourselves. I did not research or compile the following examples of The Next Generation's utter and complete hopelessness, but I wish I had.  If and when I find the person responsible for raising the alarm, I will most readily give credit. 

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination.  These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Friday Frivolity

I was originally going to write a spleen-venting post about the do-si-do Congress is playing with HR 4312, but you know, I'm just too tired to get that pissed off.  Besides, I'd rather start the weekend with a smile than a growl.  So, for your viewing pleasure, may I introduce Maru.  He's a happy cat living in Japan, and his owner somehow captures the most darling video of him.  Whenever I need a smile or a good belly laugh, he always comes through.  Enjoy.

(Credit for the preceding video belongs to the Amazing Maru and his Person.)

Friday, June 04, 2010

All Dogs Go to Heaven...

...Where, in some future time and place, they'll be waiting to see us again.

(Photo by Jorge Garcia)

Jorge's beloved Nunu died on Monday after having been hit by a car.  She was a happy, loved, and loving companion to him and Beth, and they doted on their little morsel.  Who wouldn't, with that face?

One day, I believe they'll see her again. After all, there is no "now" there...

Namaste, Nunu.  We love you.