Wednesday, March 30, 2011

GI: Persians and Proctologists

Hello, my Wednesday Warriors. I hope the fight goes well for you. Me? Aw, well, you know me. Toss a bag of truffles in my direction and I really don't give a damn about much of anything else.  Add a few jars of Nutella, and I'm downright nihilistic. 

After a short hiatus (during which your humble researcher was scrambling to finish some rather overdue work at the Day Job), we resume our regularly scheduled programming with some lovely examples of infuriating human intransigence,  stunning incomprehension of "tolerance", and an even further baffling understanding of just exactly what "gay" is and what "gay" does.  In short, if people like this didn't have illustrated instructions as to how to put tab "A" into slot "B", we might have spared ourselves the headache of folks like Westboro Baptist Church. 

Strap on the oxygen masks. This is really gonna stink. 

(spelling and grammar unedited - Irish)

“Because of years and years of looking at and touching scores of women inappropriately, the male gynecologist no doubt has a seared conscience and a perverted mind (I will not go into detail of what goes on in the doctor’s office for decency’s sake, but any woman who has been there knows what I am referring to). His view of women and the marital bed has certainly been warped by his indecent involvement with countless women.

“May God help preachers in this generation to make the Bible their authority, not tradition, and call this ungodly practice what it really is – sin. Any doctor that looks upon and touches a woman’s private parts in his office ‘hath committed adultery with her already in his heart’. Sir, if you let your wife go to a male gynecologist, you need to get right with God.”

Okayyyy…so, if you go to a male proctologist, does that mean you’re both gay?

 How YOU doin'?

(Uno Mas, spelling and grammar are woefully unedited -- Irish)

“All, I have a terrible problem. I just started a new church and now I'm confronted with a big problem. One of the small group leaders is a woman I know from my neighborhood. She has been a member of this church for a long time and heads up a couple ministries. She is apparently one of those that works hard all the time for the church and is well thought of. Unfortunantly I know that she is gay. She has a lover that stays over at her house often, and I've personally seen unacceptable and disgusting behavior. It's pretty common knowledge in the neighborhood that these two women are lovers. How it is that her church doesn't know I can't imagine. She must be very discreet. Anyway, what in the world should I do? I don't want to gossep and I certainly don't want to be responsible for decention in the church. Do I tell the pastor? Tell her that I know? Send and anonamous message to the pastor? Somehow I don't think I'd be very popular for disclosing this, it's a hard place for a new member. Should I just quietly find a new church? I really liked this place, the message was wonderful and the people so loving. What should I do?”

What do you mean, you’ve “personally seen” their “unacceptable” and “disgusting” behavior?  You’ve been watching?  You perv.

I'm curious; how, exactly, is this your "problem"?  And as for a solution, how about this: Mind your own damn business.

 (see above -- Irish)

“We have to be tolerant and inclusive. In the future all heterosexuals will have to submit to a night of gay sex to prove their loyalties to the ideals of tolerance and inclusiveness. The Democratic party will demand it. Joe Biden will demand it. Obama’s safe sex czar will demand it. If you don’t submit you will be fined and forced to buy an ornament of gay Jesus for the Christmas tree.”

What?  No, really…what?

“I thought that Lincoln and Kennedy were the only ones to be assassinated. That's what I was taught in school anyway.

“Another reason to homeschool ones children...”

Yes, because otherwise they might find out about McKinley and Garfield and make you look really  dumb.

President Garfield. Assassinated. Dead.
 President McKinley. Assassinated. Also dead.

“As I said, the Persians never even had a world empire; so why should anyone take their plastic god (Zoroaster) seriously?”

Okay. Geez.  Just an epic fail in World History.  THE PERSIAN EMPIRE?!? Hello?  It dominated what is now Iran and spanned over three continents from the border of China to Egypt and Greece. Even Rome wasn’t that big! Didn’t you see 300?

Also, Zoroaster wasn’t a god. He was a prophet and philosopher.

 500 B.C. E.

The ruins of Persopolis, capitol of Persia, in modern-day Iran.

--Irish Girl

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


"And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest..."
--Hamlet, Act V

Elizabeth Taylor
Author, Actress, Activist, AmFAR Founder, Mother, Grandmother
February 27, 1932 - March 23, 2011

Sunday, March 20, 2011

GI: Monkeybidness

Hello, my peeps. Today you get a special treat: A rare Sunday edition of Genius Idiocy. Many of you are no doubt observing that the only reason there's a Sunday edition is because your humble researcher abstained from posting one on Friday. While true, this is irrelevant. It's still rare to get a GI post on the weekend, so just nod, smile pretty, and pat the gift horse gently on the hind flank. 

I have culled, for your reading pleasure, some truly idiotic tidbits from my vast archives of human vapidity.  From what I can tell, these people never read, crack open a history book--much less a Bible--have taken the time during homilies and sermons to catch a few z's, and generally belong in the vaunted annals of the Darwin Awards.  The fact that they're still alive speaks to the truth that there is, indeed, evidence of miracles.

(emphasis mine -- Irish)

“...What about a law that says it’s a federal crime to attack somebody because of his religious beliefs? Not a chance!”

"The 1969 Federal Hate Crimes Law 18 U.S.C. § 245(b)(2), permits federal prosecution of anyone who 'willingly injures, intimidates or interferes with another person, or attempts to do so, by force because of the other person's race, color, religion or national origin’.” 

Look it up on Wikipedia.  And while I’m at it, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to attack anybody for any reason other than self-defense.

 It's self-defense! They're taking my bananas! 
(spelling and punctuation untouched -- Irish)

“You know what's so funny about Atheism? If the Christians are right (which we are) then all the atheists get a one-way ticket to hell, but if by some impossibility the atheists are right absolutely nothing happens to the christians or any other religion because that would mean there would be no higher being to punish us! So its a win-win for religion while atheists are playing a fifty-fifty. Good luck burning for eternity."

Okay, for one thing:  Pascal’s Wager? Complete crap.  Two:  What if you’re both wrong and some other religion is right? 

(Again, spelling and punctuation unspoiled, much to my chagrin - Irish)

“i think it's wrong for scientists to? define everything because they define humans as apes, and i don't want to be an ape because they are ugly and dumb.

“scientists can have their definitions, and we normal people can have our own.”

I don’t know about “ugly”, but you’re far too late on the second qualifier.  Incidentally, we humans share at least 98% of our DNA with chimpanzees.  They probably think we’re pretty screwed up, too.

 Did you SEE her hair? I wouldn't wanna be a human; they're ugly and dumb.

“Can I help it if I have kept all the virtues I got from Christianity that make me so superior to the rest of you?”

Ooh. So close, but fails with a drop in the home stretch for “pride”.

“We agree upon truth, no disagreements allowed.”

Well. I think that one pretty much speaks for itself. 

“Sort of strange how people say the Bible was fake, when the authors lived such a long time ago, fictional stories probably haven't been invented yet.”

The Parables of Jesus? Anyone? 



Thursday, March 17, 2011

Sliante o Dha Dhuit

In Ireland, this is a day of religious observance and a celebration of St. Patrick's life as a Christian evangelist, preaching the gospel to the pagan tribes of Ireland.  Irish folklore tells us that he used the Shamrock as a tool to teach the Christian idea of the holy Trinity to the Celts.

He worked tirelessly for thirty years spreadng the Word throughout the Emerald Isle and died on March 17, 461. 

Originally the color for St. Patrick's Day was blue! It was only in the 1798 rebellion, when soldiers wore green in order to capture public attention in a political maneuver, that the phrase "wearing of the green" came about. Now, in the true American fashion of going all the way and then some, we dye entire rivers with it.

The feast day for St. Patrick was already celebrated by the Irish by the ninth and tenth centuries, and over the years, he sort of became the patron saint for all things Irish. The feast day, part of the Lenten tradition, was placed on the Catholic Liturgical calendar sometime in the 1600s, making it a holy day of obligation (ed.note: that was supposed to read "observation". Funny how my mind goes.) in Ireland.  Well, for Roman Catholics, anyway.  It became an official public holiday in 1903.

The Irish government petitioned to make the day a showcase for Ireland in the mid 1990's, campaigning far and wide to showcase their heritage in a festival, the first of which was held in 1996. I'm all for a good party--hell, I'm Irish--but what else do you need to showcase Ireland but Ireland?

This Is Ireland!

So, as you joyfully partake in the festivities, wear your green, and sate your thirst with a pint of emerald beer, remember dear old St. Patrick and his contributions.  Remember the Irish, and remember the unfettered brightness and joy of their spirit, despite the many hardships and struggles they have endured over the centuries. You can't keep an Irishman or Irishwoman down for long, and isn't that a great thing? Because otherwise, this world would be sadly lacking in color, music, and smiles.  

Erin Go Bragh!

Irish Girl

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

GI: Bonbons and Bollocks

Hello and Konnichi Wa, sweethearts.  Today's GI, while late, is a delightful collection of deliciously tasty nuggets.  As you savor each bonbon, reflect and ruminate over the windmills of minds that came up with them...

“I never said atheists are the most violent people in the world. I said, atheists will cut your throat for believing in Jesus.”

Not that that’s violent or anything…actually, most atheists wouldn’t give a shit.

Then again...

(emphasis mine – Irish)

“I hope the government gets rid of you a*sholes. I seriously f*cking do. christians of all types need to die. Many people don't know this but religion is what started the government so people who formed a civilization (civilization you could say is like the government but benign and without forced taxes). People who support the state and democracy are no better than people who are religious (assholes)”

Yes, atheists are idiots, too. P.S. Does your mother know you’re up this late?  Also, look up the Constitution, Article I.  I’m tired of quoting it here.

“A true Christian would NEVER allow his son to be subjected to a primitive blood ritual like circumcision because it's clearly un-Christian.

“But a Judeo-Christian probably would allow it because Judeo-Christians are more Jewish than they are Christian.”

There are some very good arguments against circumcision. This one would fall in the “facepalm” category.

[After a Christian asked people to pray for his father]


“Because if your prayer is granted, who will you attribute it to? Where will you go to thank him? Probably not Jehovah or to a Kingdom hall.”

Because praying for someone out of true charity and generosity would be – well –wrong

[On Jack Black's "prayer" to Satan at the VMA's]

“Oh my - it didn't even appear he was trying to be funny. That made me almost physically ill. Music was created by God and should be used for God's glory. How much more sick and twisted is this world going to get when things like this are no longer reserved for Satanists meetings. That was horrible.

"I pray that we "go home" - and soon. I've had enough of this world.”

You must be a hoot at parties.


Friday, March 11, 2011

And We All Shine On

Hello, my lovelies, and Congratulations! You've made it to Friday again. I'm so proud that I could just about burst with the verklempt of it...but that would be messy and there's no one else around to clean it up.  

In lieu of my usual rant against wanton stupidity, I'm gonna let someone else do it today.  Yeah, I passing up an opportunity to vent my spleen? A banner day indeed.  Mark your calendars, because that only happens once every blue moon.  

I did not ferret this gem out on my own; I owe the following masterpiece to Julian Lennon, who found it ... well, somewhere.  We don't ask too many questions of him for fear of finding out the answers, n'est ce pas?  It is yet one more example of our respective governments' abilities to confound, exasperate, and humiliate us while we are left insensate with rage, steaming and fantasizing about creative manners of torture and retribution.  Americans aren't the only ones who would like to upend a bucket of fish guts on our leaders.  Bureaucracy reigns supreme right across the pond as well.  

Enjoy, and have a spectacular weekend if I don't see you before Monday.  

From Julian Lennon: 

This was actually taken from a UK  passport application and a member of staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day.

Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run Premium Bonds they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim before I die. Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my NHS insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture... Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally pissed off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances, which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor...who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.


Thursday, March 10, 2011

GI: The Rainbow Connection

I sometimes wonder if it could possibly be the same two or three people who come up with these effluvial gems, but then realize it's not possible.  So few people of this ilk wouldn't survive very long; it has to be a mass population that supports and encourages each other.  Sort of like an ant colony does. 

Isaac Newton, Ben Franklin, and Galileo are, somewhere, clutching their midsections in paroxysms of nausea.  Cotton Mather may be firing up the barbecue in anticipation of having company.


What ‘establishment clause’? There is no such clause in our Constitution! It does not exist. That statement just shows the ignorance of ‘some’ of the American people."

Once again.  "Congress shall make no law regarding the establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."

Might wanna give that mirror of yours a spit and polish, chickapee.

(Spelling and punctuation original. Emphasis mine – Irish)

“Some things can not be explained by science. Take for example, rainbows. Rainbows are a mystery and you can not touch them, just like god. Despite this fact, they are still there even though there is no scientific explanation for them. So next time you find yourself doubting your faith, think of god as a rainbow. I know that this can be a difficult concept for some of you to grasp. It is just like air you can't see it but you know its there”

Rainbows are an optical illusion, caused by light diffraction through water droplets creating the prism effect…Oh. Erm, the prism effect is the bending of light – aw, fuck it. Never mind.


Tuesday, March 08, 2011

GI: Happy Horseshit

Hello, my darlings, and thank you for stopping by.  I took a week off to attend to some life priorities, but am back with my trove of GI gems full to the brim with farcical foolishness. 

Take a deep breath, gird your midsections, and brace for impact.  A la vie!

"I can tell I am growing closer to Christ because this world just makes me sick. I really can't tolerate it anymore.

“A thought did cross my mind today though. Since God is Holy and cannot fellowship with us when we sin and Jesus is God, how did he hang out with sinners?"

First off, that queasy, sick feeling you have?  I doubt it’s holy divinity—or if it is, I have to wonder just how much of a paradise Heaven really is.  You probably just have indigestion from swallowing so much horseshit whole.

As to your second question:  I believe Jesus was asked that very question by his disciples and the Pharisees at varying times.  He pointed out that “preaching to the choir” was kind of redundant.  It was the so-called “sinners” who needed ministry, and therefore with whom his time was well spent. 

Plus, sinners have the best parties.   

“First of all, I'm not very convinced that Leonardo Da Vinci was a very intelligent person. He invented a couple of things and made a few paintings. So what??? I'm not very impressed with anything he has done. Not to mention he was a liar. Jesus never married, or had children. So, I think Leonardo Da Retardo's code is just a bunch of lies coming from a mouth of a human with low intellect.”

It would be a reaaallly good idea for you to at least read the front cover of the book, because it plainly says, in big gold letters, “By Dan Brown”.  It is a work of fiction, not history, although it does incorporate historic elements with known facts, sprinkled with conjecture to make a pretty decent yarn.  The fact that it was a ginormous bestseller makes me wonder how on earth you could get the writer’s name wrong. 

Having said that, Leonardo DaVinci was a painter, sculptor, inventor, writer, engineer, mathematician, botanist, architect, musician, and prankster.  Many of his paintings, interestingly, were religiously iconographic--Virgin of the Rocks, The Last Supper, St. John the Baptist, Annunciation, The Baptism of Christ--and The Last Supper, which incidentally loomed large as a key clue in The DaVinci Code.  Interestingly, he rather mucked that one up, painting it on a dry surface rather than as a fresco, resulting in its almost instantaneous deterioration. 

He also made several portraits, the most famous of which is inarguably La Giocanda/The Mona Lisa.  His sketch, The Vitruvian Man, is regarded as a cultural icon, recognizable instantly almost everywhere in the world.  His was a formidable intellect, and he had an insatiable curiosity that exemplified the Renaissance era. 

Finally, with regard to the idea of DaVinci leaving codes in his works, or of Jesus being married, who knows?  That’s not the point here. The point here is:  When you start bashing people about and calling them names, make sure you’ve got the right names attached to the right people and the right issue.  Otherwise you just look stupid.