GI: Rogues and Peasant Slaves

Happy hump day, friends and neighbors.  Sorry I've been rather lax with the GI missives this week, but things have been busy at work.  I just do this for fun, you know.  In today's episode:  Forget Philip Marlowe. Evidently, Shakespeare had bigger fish to fry, according to this stellar example of research and reasoning --

“You're thinking about the NKJV. This is the one that was commissioned by the king that wanted a divorce I believe. I think it was one of the King Henry's. Crazy kook either got the divorces he wanted or arranged the death and/or imprisonment of his wives so he could re-marry at will. The KJV is the original copy written and translated by Shakespeare, from the ancient greek and hebrew manuscripts. If not this, he may have translated it from an even earlier english translation (which was then translated from the original greek and hebrew) when english barely resembled what it is today. It's one of these two events. This is why it's considered the most accurate, a direct english translation from the originals and the standard for today despite being a relic from the 1300-1500's where fancy poetic language was the common english of those times.”

No. Just no.  This is wrong on so many levels I can barely sputter out a response. 

Shakespeare? Really? William Shakespeare? There is no evidence to suggest that the Bard had anything to do with the translation of the KJV, which was actually drafted from 1604 to 1611, commissioned by King James I (hence the name—geddit?).  King Henry did indeed want a divorce from Katharine of Aragon so he could marry Anne Boleyn, but that was waaay before King James.  (James did give Shakespeare a royal patent after Queen Elizabeth I’s death.) James wanted to have a new translation written simply to correct perceived errors in earlier translations.  The KJV was the third official translation of the Christian bible into English.  Which, incidentally, begins with a capital “E”.  

I’m not even getting into the “fancy poetic language” bit.  No, wait--yes I will: It's called iambic pentameter, you miscreant, and no, people did not talk that way.

Would it kill people to look this stuff up? --Irish